Yesterday was a busy day for me.  I spent the day seeing patients for the first time and spent the day with several people.  I had a good day it was fun to spend time with some people yet at the same time difficult knowing that these people are in the last days of their lives. 

I enjoyed my time with one patient in particular.  We took time to look at an old car magazine together and I read to him about some of the cars.  We looked at the prices of some of the cars when they first came out and I shared with him what the horsepower was.  Even though he could not speak well enough fro me to understand him I could see in his expression and in his eyes that he liked the fact that I took the time to be with him.  It saddened me to know that perhaps this guy had a very little interaction with men now that he was in a nursing home and more then likely he was lonely and wanted a man to just show some interest in him and who he was.  I knew he liked cars because he had a picture of an old car hanging on his board.  My time with him was valuable.

However, this got me to thinking.  What would it be like to talk to someone and to know that they can not understand you.  I know his mind works but it must be difficult to know you can not communicate in a way that people understand you.  For some reason my thoughts turned to forgiveness.  What would it be like to want to say to someone “I forgive you yet not be able to”.  How difficult that must be.

My thoughts have turned to my father.  My father was alcoholic and that is really all I knew him as.  In fact it was a rare moment that my father was sober.  I remember the yelling and the screaming I remember the violent way he behaved when he was drunk.  I could not stand it.  I wanted an escape a way out.  Eventually my mother and father were divorced and I rarely saw my dad.  It got to the point where I never say him and in fact did not even know where he was.  I remember when my dad first found where I was and I m in that first letter he wrote and asked if I would ever be able to forgive him.  My response was “dad I forgave you long ago”  It was barely a year later that my father was murdered on the street of Arizona for a measly 11 dollars.  But what if I had never had the opportunity to tell him I forgave him and what I he never had the opportunity to ask.

This has been on my mind.  Forgiveness can be a powerful thing and I am so thankful that I have been forgiven by Jesus Christ.  I am so thankful for the grace that is experienced through the blood of Jesus Christ.  It took me a long time to get to the point where have forgiven some in my old congregation and how things were handled.  In fact if I am honest bitterness began to take root in me.  Do I agree with how things were handled?  The answer is a resounding no.  Do I forgive how things were handled the answer is yes.  I did not want to forgive but God began to break me and I got to the point where I knew without forgiveness my life would eventually be useless in the hands of the potter.  Now perhaps there are those that think they have done nothing wrong but regardless of the fact I forgive, and have forgiven those that have hurt me.  I pray God’s grace may abound.

I also know that in my life I am not so naive to think that I do not need forgiveness.  I know I have screwed up many times and many times my errors have hurt others maybe those I have hurt will forgive me.  This I know without forgiveness we are not following Christ.  It would be a terrible thing to want to tell someone you forgive them and not be able to say a thing.  

Tomorrow I will spend some time with a man that will most likely be dead very soon I am responsible for his spiritual care.  What would it be like to pass away without forgiving I pray I never know.

This is a great video

During these lasts weeks of much prayer and much seeking the Lord I have tried to be sensitive to where God is leading in my life.  I have gone through phone interviews with churches some very larger churches, some small churches, and some in between.  I have had personal interviews with churches as well.  However I kept struggling with what I should do in the meantime.  In addition I have struggled with the question of what should I be looking for in a church.  Many times churches know what they are looking for in a Youth Pastor but what do I want in a church that hires me.  Sadly there are many churches that I have submitted too that once I have gone further into the process with I have realized I would not want to work there and there are some churches I have turned down.  

During this time I was asked to consider being a chaplain for hospice.  To be honest this kind of scared me.  I mean I am a Youth Pastor I love dealing with teens I love hanging out with teens and just being with them.  Currently I am involved in the Youth Ministry at FBC Macon and am enjoying it greatly.  I love interacting with the teens and just hanging out with them in addition I have had the opportunity to speak on a few different occasions and have enjoyed that as well.  It has been cool to have students come up to me after a message and ask me about what I spoke on or to get an email of encouragement.  So how would any of this lead me into being a chaplain for Hospice.  In addition to this when I left my last church there were things said to me that would certainly make me think that I was far from being qualified to be Hospice Chaplain but fortunately God is bigger.

In my search I have had conversation after conversation with pastor lay people and staff.  Many times when I have completed my time with these people they have thanked me but they have usually gone beyond just saying thank you.  They have taken the time to specifically speak to my integrity, or to speak to my caring, or to speak to many other qualities that indeed I was beating myself up for because I was told to be lacking in many areas.  I had some of the most vile things said to me whether it be in letter form or in word from other Christians that no one should have to sit through.  Many times I could have returned with vile conversation myself but I did not.  All this to say why would God call me to deal with people that are terminal?  To deal with people that may be dead in a month.  This I do not know?

I do know this that in my course of interviews for the position those that interviewed me wanted me to come on board and they made it clear.  They felt I was qualified for the job and everyone told me how much they enjoyed there time with me.  God was beginning to make it clear that he was leading me in this direction.  However once I looked at the pay which was not bad at all I did not know whether it would work.  So I shot back an offer and it was accepted.  I do not know what God has in store but this I know I praise Him that even “In Dark Valley’s” there is always light.  Praise be to Him.  I am officially a Hospice Chaplain.

I recently read Eric Redmond’s reflections on the election of Barak Obama to the American presidency. It’s the wonderful articulation of the election of Barak Obama I would encourage you to read it.